Heeding the Call

Heeding the Call, I

Today, as I write this, I am a layperson. I have been a member of the Episcopal Church since c. 1966-67. I was confirmed in 1968. I've been taught that the rite of baptism ordains all of us into "the eternal priethood of Christ," but I am not a member of the ordained clergy.

The first inkling of a call came in high school. My response, at the time, was two-fold: I ran for chaplain, and asked the guidance counselor about an appropriate college program. I was not elected, and the guidance counselor had no ideas. PCW was, after all, primarily a Southern Baptist school, and the idea of someone becoming a priest must have been quite foreign to them.

It would be natural to ask why I did not seek out the priest at my church. Unfortunately, at that time Padre & I were attending a mission church which did not have a regular priest. If I approached Padre at all, he probably suggested the school's guidance counselor.

I became discouraged, and put the notion on the back burner. In fact, as I attended college, I lost my connection to the Church. By my second year, I was self-identifying as an atheist. I don't suppose the discouragement had much to do with this; I think my questioning & questing had more to do with normal early college rebellion and so on.

The interesting thing about this period is the fact that my spiritual hunger did not decrease in the slightest. I studied existentialism. I read Joseph Campbell, and began a self-directed study of world religion through his work. I read extensively into zen (especially Allan Watts), and other Eastern traditions. I read Elaine Pagels' The Gnostic Gospels, which was serialized in the New York Review of Books around this time. My letters and poetry were more filled with "God talk" than ever before.

I returned to the church a little less than a decade later. I'll tell more of this story later, but for now I want to focus on the issue of a "call". Once I rejoined the church, I became very involved: first as the leader of a folk choir. Then, as a member of the local church board (about 9 years); later, as member of the state church board (6 years). It wasn't long before people were asking again whether I had considered joining the priesthood.

Naturally, I've approached the priests at the last two churches I have attended concerning this question. Neither seemed to think I was ready; I can only make some conjectures as to why. In my more depressed moments, I think I may have missed my chance.

Why do I say that? Because I do not have a Bachelor's Degree. Becoming a priest requires going to seminary, which is a sort of Master's program, which requires a Bachelor's. Somedays, I'm afraid it's too late to work for that Bachelor's. Other days, I think all I have to do is believe in myself and dedicate myself to the proposition.

"Believing in myself" is the real challenge. I've screwed up and disappointed myself so often, I have a real fear of doing it again.

Perhaps, you would paraphrase the line from scripture — "Man, minister to yourself!"

---

Next: My meeting with the Dean