Heeding the Call, Pt. II
A Meeting with the Dean
It may be helpful to begin with a note concerning Church polity, and the process one goes through to become a priest.
One approaches the priest in charge of his/her church. In the case of a Cathedral, the priest in charge is called the Dean. If the priest in charge believes the person is a good candidate, s/he writes a letter to the Bishop; the candidate goes through a series of psychological tests; a committee is established in the local church which lends moral support to the candidate; and, eventually, the candidate goes to seminary (assuming the candidate has successfully completed all the previous steps).
As some may know, the word "Cathedral" comes from the Latin for "Chair", because this building is the Bishop's official home, and is the place of his chair. As such, it makes sense that a Cathedral would have a slightly higher standard than a regular church. Further, it makes sense that there would be a stronger emphasis on orthodoxy than there might be in a parish church.
I met with the Dean last Thursday, June 3rd. He was very generous with his time, allowing a full hour for me to tell an abbreviated faith story which focused on my sense of call, followed by his reflections. While his answer was not a definitive "no", he did express some concerns which might be discouraging.
As I had anticipated, my lack of a degree was a concern. He mentioned one positive — my voice and presence — which he saw as a sort of two-edged sword. The voice and presence makes me a good candidate to lead liturgy. But he is aware that my current expression of liturgy is non-conformist.
My obliqueness reflects the Dean's. But one expression of this issue seems to be the fact that I intentionally avoid a pronoun when referring to God. Because I do have a strong voice, apparantly a lot more people hear me than I had imagined. For example, I typically say "It is right to give God thanks and praise" in the same proud voice as the majority of the congregation is saying "give HIM thanks and praise." Now, this is the last thing in the world I thought would give offense — in fact, I picked up the habit from a priest — but the Dean sees it as part of a pattern.
As I understand him, the pattern is that I'm more interested in my own ideas than the needs of the community. That, as one who is considering the priesthood, I should follow the order set down by generations. That my willingness to follow this order will reflect my willingness to be obedient within Holy Orders.
Using the pronoun issue as an example, I reflected that the resolution would be to speak (or sing) softer, to remain silent, or to use exactly the words as set forth in the Book of Common Prayer. He allowed as how I understood the resolution to this particular issue. As I interpret his concern, the key will be whether I can consistently put the needs of the community ahead of my own opinion or beliefs.
That's a hard question. Before now, I did not perceive my revising small chunks of the service to fit my understanding as being a potential problem (the primary change being the pronoun). This has been so much a habit, that it may take a while for me to change. So, in regards to this one particular issue, I am striving to be conscious and obedient. I don't necessarily agree with the Dean in this matter, but that's not the point.
For the immediate time, he has challenged me to think through ways to engage areas which will help me discern where my call is. I believe I'm already doing this to some degree. I'm very involved in the planning for workshops which will take place at the state church Convention in November. I'm involved with a Benedictine group and the Taize group. I even see my involvement with "Da Band" as an avenue of exploration.
He did hold out the possibility of leading services on the Health Science Center, if I understood him correctly. I have officiated at Morning & Evening Prayer, and it seems a shame to me to license people as Lay Readers without giving them an opportunity to officiate at these services. Granted, attendance at any such service (whether at the Cathedral or on Campus) is likely to be small, but numbers aren't necessarily the point. I'd be interested in leading either (or both) of those services, so perhaps I need to explore that avenue further.
At this point, it would be easy to get discouraged & give up — which, in itself, would be telling. But I see my immediate task to be allowing our discussion to "percolate," and to strive to be obedient in terms of following the order EXACTLY as we currently practice it.
I need to honestly & humbly explore how obedient I can be to orthodoxy as well as orthopraxis. I've seen my position with both as being within the realitively broad borders of Episcopal belief. After our meeting, I'm not convinced the Dean would agree. I acknowledge that as "gatekeeper" (his term), he needs to be especially sensitive to whether a candidate is "right-thinking" and "right-acting".
I am also more acutely aware of how vulnerable I make myself in this process. I need to be especially aware of whether I am willing to reveal some darker corners as I go deeper in the process. In particular, the Dean will want to eventually explore the nature of my relationship with my former spouse (a topic I skimmed over with him, primarily because I didn't see it as integral to the story of my call), and my work pattern. I see my work pattern as a two-edged sword - on the positive, I tend to stay in jobs a long time, and am faithful in attendance; on the negative, these have not been jobs that fully engage or challenge me.
As for my marriage — there are parts of that I'm not particularly proud of. I think I can talk about them without becoming overly defensive — but still, it's a challenge.
I came into the meeting very much with the attitude that I must accept whatever the Dean had to say with grace — even if the answer was an oblique "no". I recognize that the ball is still very much in my court. That, if anyone says no, it will ultimately be me. But, I believe this can be a process through which God helps me discern my place in the church. It may be that Lay Ministry is my call — as the Dean pointed out, there is more freedom there than within Holy Orders — if so, I am called to fully honor that ministry.
I pray for guidance and discernment.
I pray for the willingness to heed the call,
the strenth to follow it,
and the endurance to walk the path
as far as it leads.
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