5th Glorious Mystery: Mary Received in Heaven

The main things I remember about Elaine are anger and insecurity.

Elaine and Padre married soon after they graduated from high school. When I asked him about it years later, Padre said they married because "That's what you do."

In other words, like many in the Bible belt (even today), they got married so they could have sex.

Padre made a reasonable living as a watch repairman, and it was enough for two to start a life on the edge of the Oklahoma City suburbs. But soon they had a child, and his salary wasn't enough. Elaine had to work.

This was the early 50s. Elaine was among the first working mothers. There was little support for it then. About the only "daycare" she had was her own mother.

That's one way to tell the story: what happens when a strong, intelligent woman gives up her indepence and becomes a mother. She could feel frustrated and helpless. And these feelings might be taken out on her first-born son.

Another way of telling the story is to quote the proverb "The parents eat sour grapes, the children grit their teeth." For I was once told that Elaine's mother did not show her the attention and affection later given to Elaine's children.

Either way you tell the story, it might help you understand, but it's no excuse. There is no excuse for a mother to hit her children.

Brother Dave has his stories, which are his stories alone to tell. His stories of abuse end when he was about nine, and old enough to defend himself.

Here's my story. I was still an infant, maybe 9 months old, and was fussy at breakfast. Elaine yelled, and hit me hard enough to give me a black eye.

Oddly, years later, she told me I was a sweet baby who never cried. And I think she honestly believed it.

My parents divorced when I was 6. My father was granted custody at a time that just wasn't done (~1962). Elaine was grnated visitation rights, and I saw her every other week until my early teens.

I remember little of those visits. I don't remember that she lost her temper. Probably was easier to put up with a kid from Friday evening through Sunday afternoon than it was 7/24. Sometimes, her apartments were rather squalid. But this is understandable, given that women were earning much less than men. I also remember a series of poorly chosen boyfriends, three of whom she married.

Her third husband was an alcoholic. I remember watching The Avengers in an ante-room during his AA meetings. Was that an appropriate place for a pre-teen to be?

This is where my concept of her insecurity comes up. It seems to me she sought validation through these men. Like many - including myself, on my worst days - she sought validation from outside herself.

The time would come when she would seek validation through her youngest son. Brother Dave had kept a healthy distance from her; I think he saw her less than three times from the time of our parents' divorce to her death. But, I wanted to be good. Society told me that a good son loves his mother. The church told me to honor my parents. So, I tried to connect with her.

But the time finally came when being a good son meant that I had to deny what I knew to be true. I had to act as if Elaine had been a good mother. But she had not been present physically. More importantly, she was so needy within herself, she had little to give her son. She had not been present emotionally - not when I was a child, not when I was visiting her. This was not the foundation of a healthy mother-son relationship.

By Junior High, I saw how other mothers were with their children. I could tell the difference. I could feel the sincere love they had for their children. Somehow, even then, I knew that wasn't present with my mother and I.

I did have some models of good mothers - Elaine's mother, Kathleen, was able to show Dave and I affection she had reportedly not been able to show her daughter. Padre's mother, Gran, also showered us with love. Later, various teachers would also show me the encouragement and faith in my talents that Elaine had not shown.

So, as I think of the Blessed Mother, I think of these women. I project their best qualities on the Heavenly Lady. She is the one who heals the wounds Elaine created. She is the one who comforts me when I feel low. She is the one who praises and directs and encourages. She is the one who sometimes challenges.

It is she who sits, Dante tells us, at the center of the Celestial Rose.

It is she who is my True Mother.